How To Save Your Ass If You Plan To Visit Pennsylvania This Summer
Issued by the Pennsylvania Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at The Pancake Farm. It's a diner. They serve breakfast. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen, they'll kick your ass.
2. Don't laugh at the names of our towns (Intercourse, Bird-in-Hand, Blue Ball, Climax, Paradise) or we will just have to kick your ass.
3. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
4. Naturally, we do have lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass. We are also not dumb enough to elect a professional wrestler to our highest state office. People like that should have their ass kicked.
5. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad, so don't laugh at our Amish horses & buggies. If you do we'll kick your ass.
6. We are fully aware of how cold it can get here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here as quickly as possible or we'll kick your ass.
7. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for Heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish or open-faced sandwich is or we'll kick your ass.
8. Don't try to fake a Pennsylvania Dutch accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked many times.
9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell holes like Washington D.C., Chicago, New York, LA and San Francisco and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 80, 70, and 76 are ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
10. Don't complain that Pennsylvania has too many mosquitoes and farmland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to New York City or wherever else your stupid ass is from.
11. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
12 . Don't lie to any of us. If we don't find out right away, we will eventually. We will then kick your ass when you come back.
13. So you think we're quaint because many of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York. Make fun of our country fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
14. Anyone from any point further south than the Mason-Dixon line will have their ass kicked back to whence they came. If you are from Virginia or Washington, DC, we will kick your ass using some Shit-Stompin, Steel-Toed, Hob-Nailed boots.
Enjoy your visit, and then go home. Remember, Maryland has Crabs, Virginia is for lovers, but Pennsylvania has Intercourse, Paradise and Climax and we know how to KICK ASS!
